Jesus, I feel deeply my failures.
As a Christian, a fellow believer, a wife, a mother; as a temple for Holy Spirit,
as a friend ~ as Your friend.
I feel such a lack ~ of godliness ~ true humility ~ of caring for others more
than self. I could recite a list of failings forever. They would blaze a trail into
eternity if given half a chance. Yet the outcome of that path is despair, which
I’ve come too close to before. There is no healing in despair.
No reconnecting, no jubilation, no power or healing.. simply despair… which
ever grows more bitterly upon itself.
Father. I have no plaque on the wall that announces my faithfulness. I have
no credentials framed that proclaim my value to anyone. There is no gold
watch that decrees a job well done. In the eyes of the world I am not a very
important player.
I need You to define my worth, Lord. I need You to frame my reference;
to take my sorrows, to change my habits,
to be the center of my relationships, to nurture my family. I need You to
square my foundation Lord, to set me solidly on Your precepts, Your decrees,
Your proclamations. Help me to truly understand that my worth is not about
who I say I am, or who others say I am, but rather, that my worth is about
who You say I am My worth is totally tied up into who You are. Such
magnificence amazes me. Humbles me. Cheers me always forward.
But when failure decides to land (correction: when I allow failure to land)
~ peace is my only antidote. From every glaring failure my memory serves,
I cannot defend myself. Often the serving is wrapped in lies, coated with
exaggeration ~ yet somehow, deep in my innermost being, I see a wee truth
nugget beckoning me to agree with it.
At times, the battering ram of failure can so maim me, I lose all focus and
direction. As if failure, even false failure, knocks me silly ~ causes a blackout
~ unexpected and broad-sided ~ my true reality goes out cold. Temporarily
stunned with amnesia to all that is true, I forget who I am, I forget Whose I
am, and choose instead to be defined by failure, as a failure.
My only defense in these onslaughts is to speak Peace. It does me no good
to think it, to wish it, to read it or sing about it. There is a covenant promise
that occurs deep within me as I proclaim His Word. When all is darkness, I call,
with my own lips ~ Peace ~ into existence. In His great and astounding mercy,
Father instantly supplies a shield, even at my slightest and most quavering,
hesitant request.
In the midst of terrible, and perhaps true, (but perhaps not) repetitious reminders
of all the ways I have failed ~ it is the calling out for Peace ~ “Peace! Be still!”
~ which brings instant relief. Peace drops like a shield over that portion of my
mind, creating shattering silence. The shield provides a healing calm, so quiet
as to annul turmoil. Once in place, the shield is transparent yet impenetrable.
My vision is never blocked by the shield of Peace. In fact, vision is magnified,
increased and intensified! Clearly I can see the antics of unrest, the frenzy of
accusation surrounding and tormenting various areas of my life ~ but their effect
on my mind is… blissfully… negated. Hear the contented sigh? My soul is
breathing a soothing draught of Peace, a saturation of Presence.
“Peace. Be still.”
As I speak Peace over each troubling situation, (I speak of those areas already
confessed and forgiven) additional shields interlock with ones already in place.
Like a space helmet, Peace stablizes my inner atmosphere, protecting
my organs from deadly air-borne pestilence and toxic thinking. Peace. Be still.
Inside this controlled climate, life looks infinitely brighter. Though trying,
grievous and frighteningly impossible circumstances still abound, through
Peace they are powerless to define me.
I say this again. Failures and frights are powerless to define me.
Within the Dome ~
My frame of reference for today is ~ Peace.
My outlook for tomorrow is ~ Peace.
My recollection of yesterday is ~ Peace.
My definition of self is ~ Peace.
Shockingly silent, Peace brings such intensely rich nutrients to my spirit that
Joy (so badly mangled as to be unrecognizable) begins to recover. I see Joy
slowly lift herself off the pulverized ground. I thought she had abandoned me
but I see now, through my Peace shield, that it was I who abandoned her.
She will always need my protection. Like a Tinkerbell moment: “Joy,”
I whisper, “I believe in You.” Looking like a plant that was trampled, she
un-crumples, long and slow, like the luxurious stretch of a confident cat.
She flexes one muscle and I hear the purr of her. Like a well-tuned engine,
her purr signals readiness. As she bends to touch her toes, Joy discovers a
pool of Peace contentedly laying at her feet. Shrieking with delight, Joy falls
to her knees; repeatedly splashing the contents all over. She lifts her face to
mine dripping and glowing with divine dew and out-of-no-where, a physical
grin lands on my face! It is my first true smile since this conflict began.. it feels
illegal and out of place. Like a foreigner in a strange land is this smile, I feel
shy and self-conscious wearing it. I walk with lowered eyes through some
situations, as I cannot explain this tiny but very genuine curl on my lips.
People respond no matter how I try to hide it. Some smile right back and
some scowl and release anger. I would feel sad for them if it Joy didn’t keep
playing with my face.
I study her. She is fascinating. Her face is radiantly clean and still wet. She
stands up, groping for a towel I think, but finds none. She doesn’t seem to
care ~ her happiness is dazzling! Contentment is tangible about her; like an
orange, she peels and eats it. The juices of contentment spill down her chin
and she responds with vivacious laughter.
Mortified, I hear a burst of laughter and wonder who could be so insensitive
as to guffaw in this most serious situation. Horrified, I understand only by
the look on faces around us who the taboo-breaker is. Me. Completely
mystified, I find myself not the least upset with my accusers. Understanding
begins to dawn with neon clarity. To live within this “Peace of God”, in spite
of; instead of; because of;.. is to choose life. The shelter of Peace is not void
and the shield of Peace is not barren. Those who chose to dwell in Peace will
harvest fruits they did not plant, discover gifts they did not develop, and see
maturity they did not previously possess.
To call forth Peace in the midst of personal anguish or national disaster is like
putting yourself under a green house dome. Everything in green house is
about life, about growing. Everything about His Peace Dome is also about
life and growing. Living in His Peace causes true life fruits to manifest
unbidden; like Joy the delicate warrior so completely submissive to my every
command. In the Dome, Love erupts in soil made excellent and perfect by
the atmosphere and climate of Peace. Desire for God and His Words permeate
this air and envelope the mind. This dome of Peace is more than a mighty
fortress, it is provisional, it is enjoyment, it is Kingdom, it is the captured
essence of the Garden of Eden,where we walk with Him and we talk with Him.
A place of trusting Him so completely that my mind can be ~ well ~ at Peace.
And Joy ~ she is growing in liberty without restraint; more powerful than a
speeding bullet, faster than a locomotive, able to leap tall buildings at a
single bound!
And failure ~ has no existence here, at all.
Mark 4:39 “Peace! Be still!” and the wind ceased and there was a great calm.
Why is it that you are so fearful? How is it that you have no faith? …..
What manner of man is this ~ that even the wind and waves obey Him?
Cease; kopazo ~ to cease through extreme fatigue
or being worn out from labor.
Lk 10:5 24:36 Gen 43:23 Ps 122:7 Dan 10:19 Gal 6:16
Eph 6:23 1 Peter 5:14 3 John
Vegas ‘03.
Where am I?
I am in a place of profound peace.
Like standing under a gentle soft rain when you are
terribly parched and dry.
Like soaking your weary aches and pains in warm healing oil.
Like coming into a love that has no bounds, is not strained,
has no end.
Where am I?
I am soaking in a Presence.
Like a current of electricity, not shocking but constant.
Like enjoying eternal, limitless peace and gladness.
Like inescapable, exquisite, heart-hurting love…
What is it I want to pray for you?
I am not praying for you.
I am inviting you into the gentle rain of His Presence.
Where He will talk to you so personally, so intimately.
Where He will touch your deepest need, your vilest hurt.
Where He will stand unmovable against your largest foe.
I am inviting you into the ways of His Will.
Where you will gladly surrender.
Where you will meet joy unspeakable.
Where you will sense His Presence always,
beating within you.
Where He will establish a throne for Himself
and reign within you.
Where you will reach out to others with no drive
and with no fear.
There is no failure in this place.
