In devastation over leaving my daughter ~ up to her hip in a post-surgery brace, covered with tears, sorrow racked at my leaving ~ I sit, numb and cold, as the car heads home. My own tears track silent down a face rigid with remorse. I am grateful for my friend, who does not question or comment, who keeps her eyes quiet, away from my naked pain And I sit ~ numb and cold ~ and wonder how this could be happening to my family… again.
I close my eyes to keep the world out. Her state slips past me and I feel the tug of her hands around my heart. I don’t have to leave her. I could take her home. I don’t have to leave without her. She deserves better than this. I fight hard to keep from falling into the “bad mom” hole ~ so familiar to me and so deadly. Silent still, but in anguish, I call out to Father… Oh GOD. Oh God. ohh God. All I can do is sit like one dead and watch the miles come and go, separating me from this hurting child, this one in pain.
Oh God.
I remember her adoption. I remember it was as if God placed a seed in our hands, to nurture, to protect and love. I remember how it went wild, resulting in her placement here, so far from home. Her seed of promise, now so tarnished, so dull. It appears this seed from God has died and I tremble before that thought ~ knowing all too well my inadequacies and blunders that hastened death. Part of me is very mad at my friend. She is driving and praying, praying and driving, not knowing that part of me wants to die now too. . I hear her continue, ever so quietly, interceding on my behalf.
Oh God.
In my mind, I place my daughter, like a still-born seed, in the hands of my Father. “She’s yours still.” I say, but pull my heart away. I am angry ~ again. No matter how tightly I tie my heart, the spiritual eyes He gave me still see her as a seed of promise, and I mourn.
Oh God. Where is Your justice?
And the picture flows….. that satan must return to me 7 fold. The 7 fold Spirit of God will not be mocked. The return on this ghastly injustice, to my daughter ~ to my family ~ is 7 fold. A strange warmth floods my cold heart. A miniature “rejoicing” bubbles within my soul. Impossible that such an emotion could surface in this deep despair… but… the picture is so real. So real.
I throw caution out the car window! “If I receive 7 fold for this loss, I want it for the others so damaged by adoption issues as well!” Laughter erupts throughout the heavens.
“7 times 3 it is then.” Comes the merry response. “7 X 3. 7 X 3. 7 X 3 = 21.”
That equation resounds within me. Chipping away the icy enclosure over my spirit and soul, producing trickling warm streams of nutrient rich waters. It is as if LIFE itself is flooding my being. I want to laugh! I want to live! My daughter wants to live! And not only will she live, but she will excel! (Where is this coming from? It seems illegal! It seems un-natural! Am I once again an un-natural mom?)
Oh God?
YES! I am a supernatural mom! Supernatural! 7 times 3 is 21. Those numbers just pound away until all sorrow, all sadness, all insecurity and doubt has taken flight.
I can’t stop my lips from grinning. I feel like an idiot. A grinning idiot. As one who was barren being told she is with child… I am suffering from severe re-birth – AGAIN – to be born again in this painful issue! Ha! It is so severe that I must open my eyes to avoid spinning away… and as I do unshed tears course down my cheeks.. but I am laughing! Un-natural person…. 7 X 3 = 21.
Everywhere I look, once I can see, those numbers appear. License plates, billboards, road exits.
Everywhere. Continually. Constant. My laughter just erupts and I think perhaps my friend fears for my sanity. In truth. I am insane and it is delicious. He is able. And He is good. Just like Aslan, I cannot tame Him ~ I cannot understand Him ~ I cannot begin to control Him.
I can only trust Him. And when I do, the joy comes.
The road trip becomes a place of joy and peace. The seeing continues as we cross state lines.
It is almost as if the tears I’ve shed over this.. loss.. become the nesting place, the nurturing place, of the rebirth. The dream of one walking close with God, being a saturated Kingdom child, blossoms into 7! That is His justice. In cartoon fashion I “see” bright green plants spring up. First one, then another ~ until a straight firm row of 7 are growing straight toward the sky. And His justice is not done. He multiplies that 7 by 3. 21 young people are His promise to me. 21 who are not only saved, but who hunger for Kingdom living. 21 who will not be afraid to do the next thing, the new thing. He places a green hat on each head ~ 21 ~ and kisses them on each cheek. “You are My Green Berets, My chosen generation, My royal Priesthood, My holy nation. You are a peculiar people and you will show forth My Glory! Go! Heal the sick. Raise the dead. Heal the leper. And cast out demons. Go, win the world.”
Oh, to be part of this ~ to be so well equipped, so fully prepared, so ready to die for God and for each other, that no enemy will stand a chance in our presence. I want that, Jesus. I want that.
The secret of 7 X 3 = 21.
Once home, I hunted scriptures for 7:3 or 7:21. I found great verses! But not the verse.
Not the message of 7,3,21.
I turned the alphabet this way and that. 7th letter in English, in Hebrew, in Greek. 3rd letter and so on. Found some interesting stuff but not the message of 7,3,21.
Then a small fragment of understanding dawns ~ like a new day.
7321 Strong’s Hebrew entry
RUA (roo-ah)
a. To suddenly mar – especially by breaking.
b. To split the ears with sound.
c. To shout with joy, or shout with triumph.
d. To sound the alarm
7321 is me.
I am to embrace the suddenlies. (especially those that carry a breaker!)
I am to split the ears with sound. (Joshua and the walls of Jericho sound!)
I am to sound the alarm. (to blow the trumpet in Zion!)
I am to praise with joy. (til even the trees in the field clap their hands!)
I am to worship to victory. (to sing a new song while covered with joy!)
I am to take you with me.
I AM the rua!
And so are you.
